Be careful what you wish for
There was A blond coyboy was in a dessert and he was riding a camel. After his camel died the man decided to walk on…… after a few hours the man collapsed, the only thing he saw was something sticking out of the ground he went to it. it was a breif case the man opened it and out poped a ginnie and it was a girl and she looked like a floating reporter she said bla bla while looking through the rule book. she said “i am your ginnie you have 3 wishes” and the man said ok my first wish will be to have food and water all over. poof !!! every where he looked he was surrounded by food and water. the ginnie came again she said wht is your second wish the man said i wish to be the richest man in the world. POOF!!! there was pots of gold every where he looked. the ginnie soon returned and said what is your final wish its your last for ever and you had better make it a good one. he said ok i wish every where i go beautiful young women woulg want and need me. POOF!!! she turned him into a tampon!
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Taking care of the wedding ring
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. “Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?” With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”
The ATM Drive-through
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
Procedure for Men :
- Drive up to the ATM (cash machine).
- Wind down your car window.
- Insert card into ATM and enter PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required and take the notes.
- Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
- Wind-up window.
- Drive off.
Procedure for Women:
- Drive up to cash machine.
- Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the ATM.
- Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat, finally locate the card.
- Tell girl friend on mobile phone that you will call her back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
- Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its distance from the car. Insert debit card.
- Re-insert card the right way.
- Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the address page.
- Enter PIN.
- Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required.
- Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
- Retrieve notes and receipt
- Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
- Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
- Re-check makeup.
- Drive forward 2 feet.
- Reverse back to cash machine.
- Retrieve card.
- Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
- Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
- Restart stalled engine and pull off.
- Redial person on cell phone.
- Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
- Release Parking Brake.
Marriage Postulates
* To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
- To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.
* Married men live longer than single men, – but married men are a lot more willing to go.
* Any married man should forget his mistakes, – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. – A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
* A woman has the last word in any argument. – Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
* There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
He’ll Be Late
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
“Who was it?” he asked.
“My husband,” she replied.
“I better get going,” he said.
“Where was he?”"
Who feels better?
A husband and wife were arguing on whether males or females enjoy sex better. The husband says “of course it’s us men, why else would we be so obsessed with it?”. The his wife says, “stick your finger in your ear and wriggle it around. What comes out feeling better, the finger or the hole?”
Bunches To Celebrate
The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said,
”How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?
” “Haven’t got a wife,” responded the businessman gruffly.
”Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?” proposed the vendor without missing a beat.
“Haven’t got a girlfriend.”
”You lucky guy!” The vendor broke into a big smile. “Buy both bunches to celebrate!”
Art Gallery
Nudes A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, “What are you waiting for?” The husband replies, “Autumn.”
MARRIAGE
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”
The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”
“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”
“Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me.”
SHOULD YOU GET MARRIED?
Men who can answer “yes” to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage:
* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as “that square thing?”
* Does she use the phrase “you know” more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers’ names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend’s?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma’s House of Painful Delights?
Women who can answer “yes” to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage:
* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of “Gilligan’s Island” at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that’s a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase “Industrial Strength?”
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?
HORSES VS. HUSBANDS
GOOD THINGS ABOUT HUSBANDS:
1. Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses.
2. Feeding a husband doesn’t require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
3. A lame husband can still work.
4. A husband with a bellyache doesn’t have to be walked.
5. Husbands don’t try to scratch their heads on your back.
6. They are better able to understand puns.
7. If they are playing hard to catch, you *may* be able to run them down on foot.
8. They know their name.
9. They usually pay their own bills.
10. They apologize when they step on your toes.
11. No saddle fitting problems.
12. They seldom refuse to get into the vehicle.
13. They don’t panic – running and yelling all through the house when you leave them alone (unless you’ve left the kids with them too!).
14. For a nominal fee, you can hire someone else to clip them.
15. They don’t like the lady next door just as well as you, just because she fed him for 3 days straight.
THE HORSE’S ADVANTAGE:
1. If they don’t work out you can sell them.
2. They don’t come complete with in-laws.
3. You don’t have to worry about your children looking like them.
4. You never have to iron their saddle pads.
5. If you get too fat for one, you can shop for a bigger one.
6. They smell good when they sweat.
7. You can repair their “clothes” with duct tape.
8. It’s possible to keep them from “jumping the fence”.
9. You can force them to stay in good physical condition with a whip if necessary.
10. They don’t want their turn at the computer.
11. They may turn white with age, but never go bald.
12. They have never heard of PMS.
13. They learn to accept restraint.
14. They don’t care what you look like as long as you have a carrot or an apple.
